This month we are talking about the fifth and final Yama: Aparigraha, usually translated as non-possessiveness or non-grasping.
The Sanskrit word comes from a- “not” and parigraha, from the root grah, meaning “to grasp, seize or hold.” So Aparigraha invites us to loosen our grip.
And I don’t think this means that we shouldn’t have things. We need a home, clothes, money, relationships, work. We can enjoy beautiful things.
The questions are: How tightly do we hold them? How much do we believe they define who we are? Do I own the car, or does the car own me?
“I need to be rich to be respected.”
“I need this job to be recognised.”
“I need to look a certain way to be worthy.”
“I need this relationship to feel complete.”
We can become so attached to what we have, who weare with, what we do and how we are perceived, that we start confusing these things with who we actually are.
I am not the car - but I can choose how I drive it.
I am not the job - but I can choose what I bring to it.
I am not the jacket - but I can enjoy wearing it.
I am not even the body - but I can care for it and use it well.
The things we have can be expressions of us, but they are not us.
And yet, how often do we unconsciously build our identity around them?
Perhaps Aparigraha is an invitation to notice this grasping without judgement.
Some of it may come from our own saṃskāras, the impressions and patterns we have accumulated throughout our lives. Some may come from the conditioning of the society and culture around us.
And most of the time, we may even overestimate how much other people care about what we have, how we look, or what we have achieved. Often, it is our own mind that keeps us trapped in the belief that these things make us more or less worthy.
The practice, then, is not necessarily to own less.
It is to identify less with what we own.
To enjoy what we have without needing it to define us.
To love people without trying to possess them.
To appreciate our work without making our title our identity.
To care for the body without believing that the body is all that we are.
And perhaps, when we loosen our grip, something unexpected happens:
We become less afraid of losing.
And when we are less afraid of losing, we can become more generous with what we have.
Patañjali says that when we become firmly established in Aparigraha, understanding arises about the nature and circumstances of our existence.
Perhaps this is one of the gifts of letting go: when we stop holding so tightly to the things that we think define us, we create space to discover who we are beyond them.
And I write all of this, but please don’t mess with MY kitchen!